A weekend of fun, facts and Parkour

Friday 15^th to Sunday 17^th Feb saw the annual Cardiff Uni Kayakers trip to Devon to try and run some of the English classics. However, the typical British weather failed us, as there was not enough rain beforehand to really give the rivers what they needed.

I drove my new car, who has been christened Matilda, down to Devon with Stu Sheath, Max Emery and Jonny King of Procrastinate. Having the day off on Friday meant we could get away early and grab a pub meal before the Uni lot turned up for another evening of drinking and games, hopefully similar to that detailed in our North Wales adventures. We managed to get away early because of Jonny King's new resolution to be more punctual. It seems to be working at the moment, so lets hope that it stays that way.

Matilda fully loaded

The drive down was traffic free and Matilda did her job well, getting us to the pub to meet Simon and Chris (a couple of the Uni Kayakers currently on placement). Although Matilda got us to our destination, is wasn't as simple as getting from A to B (there was a small amount of C, with a pinch of D thrown in for good measure). The four of us got slightly lost in Dartmoor itself; rumours do tell of pixes, headless horsemen and rabid dogs, but we all live in Cardiff which is descended upon weekly by much scarier creatures - Valleys folk. So none of us were fazed by the apparent danger we may or may not have been in. To be honest, I would much rather be attacked by a headless chump riding a horse than be out on a Saturday night in Walkabout and have a Valleys slag wrap her cellulite ridden legs around me, screeching in some incomprehensible Welsh tongue!

The food in the Pub in Widecombe was cracking and set us all up for a good evening. The six of us got to the bunkhouse and managed to get the fire going and have the place warming up by the time the Uni lot arrived. Then we all settled and had some beers and some laughs. I was back on the Gin and Juice, but didn't hit it as hard as I did in North Wales due to the fact that I needed to be able to drive the next day. There were a couple of drinking games played, and because we had no playing cards, therefore meaning that High Card Something Bad couldn't be enjoyed, we thought of another way of working it in. We played a game that is notorious with Cardiff University Kayakers, called The Grand Old Duke Of York. This is basically where you go round in a circle, and in order each person has to say the next word of the nursery rhyme. However to make things more exciting, if a person got the word wrong they had to do Something Bad. I can't relay details, as that is against the spirit of the game, but there were copious Bad Things done including a shot of alcohol from someones hairy belly-button (This was in no way one of the worst things, but it was a certain current President of the club that had to do the shot!!!).

Waking up Saturday morning I was feeling slightly hung over, but this was slept off before the club had the chance to get ready. A quick jump out of bed, a shower and into clothes, I was in Matilda ready to drive to the get on for the Dart Loop. Although the morning was cold, we kitted up and people were looking ready to take on the river. Because the Uni lot faff so much, it was easy for Jonny King to merge into the background and seem as though he was running at a good pace;

Jonny King; don't let his devilishly good looks fool you, he is truly clueless

The plethora of boats at the get on

The loop was fun, and our group managed it with style and grace. The afternoon run was the Upper Dart, but with very little water :-( It took about an hour to an hour and a half from getting off of the loop to starting the Upper section. Seeing as there were around 20 to 25 people, that is at least a whole day's worth of man hours wasted! Think of the achievements that could have been accomplished in that time. Jonny may have even been able to finish the latest novel he's been engrossed in within that time frame!!

The middle section of the run was a good laugh, but once again I messed up Surprise, Surprise (although my line apparently looked OK). The group behind us took a while to get down, and therefore Max, Stu, Jonny and I went to meet the people who didn't boat the Upper, at the River Dart Country Park, where they apparently had a wicked afternoon of Pirate Ships, Zip Wires and Climbing Frames.

With a little bit of fear that the group still on the river may not have finished before it was dark, we went back to check the score, only to find them pass us in the minibus half way there. So we headed back to the bunkhouse to prepare for the evening. This composed of a shower and a snooze. Unfortunately I seem to have arrived at a stage that a simple snooze didn't recharge the batteries, yet allowed them to drain completely. This meant that the dinner call was completely unwelcome, but I hauled myself out of bed, and after food was consumed it proved the right thing to do.

Saturday evening was when Lucie Parkinson, a soon to be doctor, stated as fact that any alcohol above 20% concentration is not absorbed by the body. She apparently was told that the body would absorb 20% alcohol and no more would enter the body (I'm finding her logic hard to re-explain due to its absurdity, but I will continue). This is clearly not what she was told, but what she thought she heard. I have found a link that gives the fact a lot more clearly and well explained. Essentially above 20-25% there is a potential delay of the alcohol to the Small Intestine, meaning that there is a clear delay of it being in the area of highest absorption rate. Lucie seemed to make the assumption that this meant any other alcohol was not absorbed. Dave Underhill put it to her that a person who drank a pint of 40% would therefore be at the same blood alcohol at the end of the night as a person who consumed a pint of 20%, which Lucie said would be the case, as the extra 20% that the first hypothetical person drank would not be absorbed... No Lucie, the theory states that it wouldn't absorb in the same amount of time, not that it isn't fully (or at least close to fully) absorbed. This is a scary world when Doctors think along these lines! This is enough of a rant on this subject, but I thought that it required a mention. 

The end of Saturday night saw some loud drinking games and at least three completed rounds of Grand Old Duke Of York. Clearly the small contingent of people left on the Saturday night/Sunday morning were nurtured as kids, and were taught the words of many a nursery rhyme.

On Sunday we went for a walk in Dartmoor, which was rad. About two and a half hours of easy walking, nice scenery and climbing tors was a pleasant way to spend a day that couldn't provide any kayaking.  The wind was absolutely ragging it, making standing on top of the Tors a more nerving experience. Myself, Blake May and Huw Beckett (two new lads to Cardiff Uni Kayakers) Parkour'd our way around the Tor's of the moors, with numerous flips, rolls and 360 spins (although the photo's don't do it justice, there were some dope-whack moves pulled out):

On top of a Tor

Huw, poo-kour'ing in a hide away.

Blake mid parkour move

Blake and Huw having back-flipped onto the top of a Tor

Seeing the scale of it makes the move more impressive!

Some pleasant Devonshire scenery

Getting back to Cardiff at around 1700 on Sunday evening led to a crash of energy and a bedtime of 2100. Sad I know, but much needed.

Cheeky Time Lapse of the start of Friday night

Till next time...

Middle Tawe - Sunday 27th January

You may have guessed, with the rain we've been having and the snow melt that comes with it, there was a fair amount of water in South Wales this weekend. I'm sure this sort of weather pattern would be seeing England warning of floods as well as homeowners frantically buying sandbags, but in Wales the norm has been restored. This is something that I have been waiting for, Christmas is now a distant memory as is the snow that followed. I have to say that I am not a Grinch; firstly because the Grinch eventually sells out and for some reason starts liking Christmas - When I've made my mind up about something, I stubbornly stick to my guns regardless of whether I am right or wrong; and secondly because I do not hate Christmas. I only dislike it as well as the snow and crappy Christmas cheer that seems to come along with it. Luckily the Christmas credit card bills and failing New Year resolutions brings the nation back down to earth :-)

With this, Jonny King and Stu Sheath, from Procrastinate, along with Lucie Parkinson and myself went for a paddle on the Tawe this Sunday just been. The four of us headed to the River, Jonny and I taking a minor detour as we were following a random car with boats on, and not Stu and Lucie, but we all ended up in the right place. The river was reading a 7.5 on the little gauge at the get on, and was looking high. The three of us decided that Lucie would be able to cope, mostly because she was going to be led by two manly men, and also Jonny! but also because we were just excited about getting on and didn't want to wait. With it being colder than the hairs on a polar bear's bum, we got into our gear quicker than a Prostitute having been paid and got the shuttle over in double time.

The start of the run was real quick down to the slides, and there were some sweet wave trains. Lucie was coping fine, which clearly displayed the talents of whoever was leading.

Now if you’re an avid STC reader, you may know that I always seem to have something derogatory to say about Jonny King. It's not that I try to be harsh, but he is as clueless as Shaggy and Scooby before the Advert break, and happens to be one of those chaps who is hard to paint in a good light.

Uncanny resemblance here!

Yet this Sunday he was fairly on the ball, turning up on time-ish at Team House (Stu’s abode), as well as being switched on when we were on the river. However this slightly changed when we got to the fall on the Tawe (Pen y Cae), which Stu and I styled in a joint boof seeing us land at the same time. We were just like Tom Daley and Peter Waterfield, landing in the pool with perfect synchronicity, only we have better abs and Stu looks a lot younger than Tom as well as me being a lot paler than Peter.

The lads trying to emulate our moves; however Peter, it looks like your hands are half a foot lower than they should be!

Stu and I showing the way to run a drop

Jonny's first run

Lucie's run

I freeze framed these images whilst they were on the lip to avoid showing how neither of them managed the drop well ;-), and I definitely haven't shown an image of me running for the third time as this was a disaster

So as Jonny was walking up to have another run, Stu had a cracking idea of getting all three of us to drop off at the same time. What we hadn’t factored in was Jonny’s inability to control his boat during the very short free fall. Adding him to the mix was unfortunately similar to smothering BBQ Sauce over an exquisite filet mignon with peppercorn sauce, which is what I imagine a fat American would do. Much like the tenderness of the beef fillet being enhanced by the fiery peppercorn creaminess, Stu and I made glorious kayaking art together. However when Jonny was placed in-between the two of us, he managed to turn sideways whilst running the drop, landing his stern on top of me and cutting my ear, and landing his bow underneath Stu, completely destroying the former magic the two of us had previously made.

The three of us lining up. It looks so promising

Lucie took a knock to the head further down the run, ending up in a swim. I scrambled out of my boat in the nick of time, got my throwbag ready and threw the line just as she was swimming past. The unfortunate reality of the situation was that the line ended about 3 meters upstream of her, and therefore was no use at all. Stu and Jonny managed to sort the situation out and we got to the bottom feeling happy about a good run.

Driving back to the top, we met up with the Cardiff Uni Kayakers, who were preparing to jump on. Jonny, Stu and I were already set for another run, and said that we would get on with them. Unfortunately this is when the faffing began. We thought Jonny was able to faff like no other, but apparently as he was on time today, the world's 'faff books' needed to be balanced, and it was Cardiff Uni to the rescue. It took about an hour for the Uni lot to get themselves in a fit state to jump on. If it ever came to a nuclear evacuation, these lot would be left behind due to their shear inability to move above a snail’s pace. They would probably be able to get far enough away to avoid being melted by the blast, and just receive a good old radiation dose. (However it did work for Spiderman, and although I’m not recommending it, you can clearly see the benefits in The Amazing Spider-Man movie).

The gauge was showing around a 6 by the time we got back, and this was fairly obvious from the character of the river. The run was still good fun, and the main rapids were fairly well styled by the uni. Chris Corkill nearly re-arranged his face on one of the slides, but managed to just get his arm in the way first and Helena Goode did an amazing 360 spin whilst descending the same slide. It would have been great to say it was on purpose, but alas, I fear it was accidental. It was a cracking day, and good to see the rust off that had settled over the festive period.

The evening ended with the traditional curry in the Balti Cuisine on Woodville Road, where I had a cracking meal, albeit one not in line with a tradition athlete's diet. Jonny and Stu tried to show their manliness by going for a hot curry (the names of which escape me), but this manly facade soon crumbled when Jonny started crying and sweating like a fat child being made to run!

Once again, thanks for reading.
Till next time...

A year from Pro-Crastinate

Happy New Year to all the Stuff The Consequences readers, visitors and friends. We hope you had a brilliant Christmas and New Year.

2012 has seen a wicked year from Stuff The Consequences and also the boys from Pro-Crastinate. Fran Smith, Pro-Crastinate's founder, has created a review of the year, showing some of the highlights from 2012. This is a cool little edit, and shows some sweet boating from STC's closest friends. Let's hope that 2013 brings some cracking water, with an Easter and a Summer trip between Pro-Crastinate and Stuff The Consequences in the planning stages.

For more videos from the Pro-Crastinate crew you can check out their Vimeo page by clicking on the image on the right;

Otherwise you can go onto their website and check out everything they get up to.

2012 A Year In Plastic from Procrastinate Productions on Vimeo.