Mellte - Late October

So you may have noticed the amount of rain we have been having recently. This has been good to the South Wales rivers (and to the whole of the UK really) in terms of kayaking, however there has been one issue; the rain is coming mid week, and then the weekends are usually drizzly and not providing the swelling torrents that I am after. This isn't an issue for my freeloading (student) chums, but when I am stuck in work on a Wednesday whilst all I receive is boating messages, it makes me a little sad inside. Luckily, not being Amy Winehouse, I'm not gonna drink myself to death trying to numb the pain, but maybe harbouring hatred for all my friend's free time isn't that healthy either.

Luckily this Sunday just been (the 27th) was the weekend I was back in a White Water kayak; I was happier than the children of America were when they read the obituary list for the June 25th 2009. Having been out on the Saturday night, the Sunday morning was seen in with a slight headache. Not being able to boat on Saturday had meant I was chomping at the bit to get out. A cheeky text to Stu (A Procrastinate boater) said that levels were looking low and asking what he thought (later deducing that I may have messaged him in the middle of his breakfast). His attitude seemed similar to mine, tiredness was lowering motivation. Half an hour of non-committal messages the ensued. The information exchanged was about as meaningless as Lib Dem's next election campaign is going to be, so Stu got hold of Fran (Procrastinate's founder) to see what his thoughts on the situation were. With Fran providing the motivation to do it, Stu got hold of Simon (OSBC founder) whilst I got hold of Phil. The plan was set, meet at the Mellte for 10:00.

I picked up Simon, Stu and Fran to set off on our way. I had taken a cheeky shortcut (which in reality ended up being longer, but as a man stuck to the story of it being a shortcut) only to get abuse for the decision. Apparently the scenery of Cardiff is not to the other's taste, but they soon got over this and we met Phil at the Mellte car park in the pouring rain. With Cardiff having been lovely on departure, we were without waterproofs, and getting changed was horrible. Huddled as close to the car as possible, thinking that vehicular proximity would somehow repel rain, we were changed but wet. A quick shuttle saw us at the top:

I took the photo, so wasn't originally in it. However, with the marvels of photoshop, I have subtly added myself back in

With this being Simon's first run of the Mellte, his nerves were apparently running higher than a hipster's turn-ups, and when getting to the 15 ft drop he was now hit with the harsh reality; our get in is straight into a 15ft drop. Phil and I went first, Simon followed with a successful boof, but a bit of a wobble after.

My line 

Phil on the edge

Another group from the South Wales area were also on the water, and we were within seconds of each other for the whole river. We caught them up on the big drop, and whilst people were deciding lines, I decided that one way of seeing the line is to be shown it. Therefore I got in my boat and run a God damn brilliant line. Like, seriously, this line was blooming perfect. A sweet boof on the top, with the line nailed, gave me a huge autoboof which raised my bow high into the air. A majestic landing led to a humbled and dignified 'That's what you get' aimed at the world.

Unfortunately the photographer had a premature flick on the shuttle button for my run

Phil mid drop

Stu also got a sweet line, corkscrewing during the second half to show the ease with which he does things.

The rest of the run was fun, good rapids and solid boating from the five of us. We got to the bottom being elated at our decision to come, and impressed with the boating everyone managed (esp. Simon on a cracking first run on the river).

Hopefully the trend will continue and more boating is to come.

Till then...

Corsica and French Alps video

So it has been about two months since getting back from France, and I have finally got round to finishing the video of the summer's boating. The new venture Trend The Consequences has taken up quite a lot of time recently, however I was working some nights on getting the video together.

I hope you enjoy, and stay tuned into STC, as autumn is coming and hopefully a lot of boating.

Till then...

French Alps 2013- The final in the Saga

Unfortunately everything in this world has to end, and in keeping with this reality, this post is the final in the Alpine Saga.

Wednesday was Stu’s birthday, and we had already decided to head over to the Ubaye Valley to see if the rumours of high water were true. An early morning saw us on the road before half eight, not a sight for anyone to see but a necessity none the less. The drive to the Ubaye took double the normal time due to the simple fact that the three of us are not brilliant navigators or route masters, a few laps of Gap proved this. However, if it wasn't for slightly altered routes and not knowing where you were, Christopher Columbus wouldn't have found America. But then again I can’t see that as a downside!

We ran the Upper Ubaye, which was a nice bimble, but at the top we met a German chap called Stefan who asked to come with us. He was an Open Boater who talked very little English. So much so that most of our conversations on the river consisted of smiling and saying ‘Very Nice’ in the most Borat like voice imaginable. Stefan's boat control was a sight to behold; Stu, Jonny and I were bewildered by some of the moves he pulled off. We then paddled the Bachelard. Asking Stefan to join us was difficult, but it meant that we had a driver to help us with the shuttle, therefore we didn’t need to bike it; my inability to speak German was trumped by my shear determination to not have to get on the bike again. The Bachelard was sweet as a nut. It provided good boating and more content for Stefan and myself to say ‘Very Nice’.

Wednesday evening was another fire to see out Stu's 21^st, and once again Jonny King got lucky. Apparently fire is his aphrodisiac! Hopefully the wood we collected was the only thing burning that evening though, at least for Jonny's sake.

Thursday was spent at the slalom course in Argentiere with some members of Cardiff Uni. A few runs gave us a pleasant day to chill out. That evening was the club meal out, and I had one of the best steaks I have ever tasted in my life. It was huge, peppery and cooked to perfection. If I could remember the name of the restaurant I would post it for people to go to if they are ever in Guillestre.

The best steak of my life

Stu and I pretty f**king happy with our choice

Friday is home day, and the morning was spent on the lowest Briancon Gorge I have been on. A bumpy ride down and the afternoon was spent packing ready for the drive home.

Saturday morning was military in our ability to get up, have a freezing cold shower and get on the road. The drive was easy, with Stu and I knocking France out in 12 hours and getting on an earlier ferry than what we had booked. Cardiff Uni were moments behind us and missed it. Too bad for them I guess. Getting back to Cardiff at 0130 we had a short nights sleep before a morning of unpacking, a pub lunch and a early night before work.

I had a thoroughly enjoyable time in France this year. Doing some high runs, some banter with the Uni club and a steak to die for made for a great two weeks. I hope people enjoyed the blog posts, there is going to be an STC video out of the Corsica and French Alps in one, so keep eyes peeled for that.

French Alps 2013 - Numero Twa

Sunday was a day that Jonny, Stu and I paddled as a three, as we wanted to check out the Guil. We had heard that it was running high, and the drive up confirmed this. A morning paddle on the Upper gave a good warm up, and Stu did the cycle from the bottom to get back to the car at the top. By the time he got back to us, you could tell it had taken a bit out of him. So we stopped for lunch before attempting to find a section of river that none of us had paddled before; the ‘Bouchet’.

The get on was easy to find, and I said that I would take the car and bike to the get off and cycle back up to the top so the shuttle was done before we got on. Now, I have been attending spin classes over the last few months, and one of the many things I have learnt is that if you point your toes down and shift your hips forward you can engage your quads. However Sunday’s cycle up a shallow gradient taught me two things:

1.  My quads don’t like being engaged at all. In fact they want to remain bachelors forever and never have to go through the painful ordeal of being utilised again.
2. In spin class, it is a lot easier to make the most of the recovery time, as you can cheat and not pedal much. However this is not so easy on a cycle up a ‘hill’ (I used this term lightly), as when you stop peddling, you either fall over or start going backwards!

The Bouchet was a quality little section of river, not really covered by the guide book. The start was a nice steep section of small drops, flowing into a continuous grade 3 river ending with a fast section of white water. Worth a run if the levels in the Alps are high enough.

On Monday we went to look at the Durance Gorge. I told the lads that last year, when I did the Durance Gorge in high, it was a 12 on the gauge; therefore we agreed that anything below a 10 would be a goer. However upon rocking up it was lapping between a 10 and 11. We thought that we were good enough to take it on regardless. Once changed I had a cheeky peak at my guide book to find that I had written that the previous year we had taken it on at a 9 on the gauge and this was tasty (A little later we checked previous blog posts about the trip and I had stated we walked away from a 12, and ran it on an intimidating 9). Apparently my memory for things like this is as useful as ‘Fire Exit’ signs at a dyslexia convention.

I can safely say that the Gorge was high, and was still daunting. I took the lead for the whole thing, which was brilliant. The run was cracking, the holes were big, the water was fast, but we took everything on in style. Not a place I would want to be in again anytime soon, but enjoyed it none the less.

The evening comprised of a big ass bonfire and people getting fairly leathered. Jonny king had an awesome night away from the comfort of Stu and I, being that he didn’t return to the tent that evening. However this is not the forum for such sordid affairs!

Long Exposure

Jonny's cheeky face in the morning

Tuesday was a hangover day. We spent the morning recovering from headaches and sore tummy’s. Driving up the Gyr, Stu looked as though he was going to die. On arrival we saw that the Gyr was apparently the only river that was running low in the area. This made me very grumpy for the rest of the day, and a run on the Lower Guisane in the evening did not help matters. The water was now running at a level that was washing everything out; too high for things to be technical and interesting, but not as high as they were the first time we ran it to make it a hole filled killing machine. However the group down after us had a swimmer, and this added a little bit of excitement to the day. At the get off we just saw a boat drift past. A quick scramble and we sent a vehicle off to chase it. About a 45 minute wait and the boat’s owner walked into sight. Apparently he got spanked harder that a gimp at an S&M party. Luckily the lads down river were able to get the boat, but we found that an Ambulance and a rescue team had been sent in search for the body. When they found us they were extremely nice, and we were amazed at the speed at which they were on the ball, seeing as they had already been searching for a while.

The evening was spent just recovering from last night’s affairs, and the disappointing day. Keep ypur eyes peeled for the last post of the French Alps 2013 tour, hopefully coming to you sooner than this took to publish.

French Alps 2013 (No.2)

Oh sh*t, it’s another STC post about France, and we’re bringing you some banging info this time. Since the last post, Cardiff Uni had their initiation, and it was great fun. Initiation was on Thursday, and the day started with a 3am thunderstorm. This fed the rivers more than Honey Boo Boo’s redneck mother feds her unfortunate daughter.

Honey Boo Boo and her Mom :-(

So when we arrived at the Lower Claree, we saw it was bank full and a complete no go, later finding out that the authorities had closed the Durance and no paddling was to take place. So in this situation there is only one thing to cheer up a group of paddlers: McDonalds. It was here a decision was made to chill out for the rest of the day and head back to the campsite ready for initiation. One of the group (Blake May – LAD) was particularly awesome, as he dressed up in cycling gear, a homemade helmet and cycled through Exeter Uni’s camp singing God Save Our Queen (saying it was his own choice may be stretching the truth a little though):

Blake impersonating the puppet from Saw

The evening started with the world’s greatest Biryani, which was prepared by yours truly, Stu and Jonny. Then the fun started with a dance off by the fresher’s showing that they really have a random imagination. They were given a song to prepare a dance to, and being a typical gym song for a group of chubbos to synchronise their fat jiggles to, I was imagining some sort of gym based workout routine. This didn’t occur; there were zombies, paddles and bullets from elbows. It was as though they had passed ideas through a crack addict, who threw up on the 28 days later script and then they took what they could read and added a small amount of Little Mix in. The night ended with Jonny being invited back to an Exeter paddler’s tent for fun time. The fact that this chap also though Jonny was giving some signs off made everyone’s evening, but Jonny declined this poor guy’s advances. Apparently Jonny is slightly classier than a one night stand, and good on him.

Friday started with a fair few hungover looking people. Stu, Jonny and I decided a rest morning was in order. Luckily the day was deliciously sunny.

The Campsite (Rab wave)

The day was spent playing volleyball. Next year’s president (Huw) and I were a force to be reckoned with. Being the current volleyball champs at the time, we went into a game against Stu and Jonny. They had just won their last game and were feeling confident. However they were now up against Cardiff Uni’s Volleyball gods, and they felt our wrath. With the first game scoring 11-4, Huw and I thought we would give them a better chance in the second game. Unfortunately we are just too good to be giving points away and once again won with a score around the 11-5 mark.

Saturday started with the Gyronde, which we paddled with members of the Uni club. This was a nice little run, and was slightly higher than the last time we ran it. The afternoon was spent with two runs of the Briançon Gorge, which was quality. Nice high level for a tasty and interesting afternoon paddle. The slide at the start was a good laugh, with some nice photos taken:

Me hitting the Briancon Gorge Slide

Volleyball pro partner (Huw) hitting up the slide

Be sure to keep your eyes open for another post, this time with some more boating as levels seem to be dropping a little.

Till then...

French Alps

Welcome again to another Stuff The Consequences blog post. It has been a while, but this is the first of a few posts about Stu, Jonny and my (Rob H.) kayaking trip to Briançon area of the French Alps.

The drive down to the south of France was uneventful; Jonny drove through the UK to Dover, whilst Stu and I took all of the driving in France. Although it seemed to take forever, we got to the campsite to where Cardiff Uni set up at half one in the morning. Driving to the campsite, we caught glimpses of the rivers, and at midnight they were all stonking.

The first Day’s boating (Monday) consisted of the Briançon Gorge and the Upper Durance with the club. The Gorge was pumping. There was more water than I have ever seen, I’m pretty sure that if Noah had been around he would be screaming about the need for an Ark. The Upper Durance was also fast as I have seen, and the Uni did well with the run. The evening was spent with a lot of testosterone, as the fresher lads were wrestling to show who was the greatest. The unfortunate reality was that none of them were, because I’m the f**king greatest! A few beers and a good meal down, we headed to bed ready for the following day.

Tuesday was spent on the Upper Guisane and the Gyronde. The Guisane was rapid, and with a few swims down everyone made it to the bottom in one piece. Then a few of us headed to the Gyronde to check it out and see if the club would be OK on it. The answer was a clear and resounding NO. The run was too fast, and there is a weir about ¾ down that would have been a fresher eater, without anywhere to stop above. So the next day’s boating was to be decided by higher ups. Luckily not being a Uni student any more means that I do not need to deal with the politics of running the club, and just come in as an awesome boater; my speciality. There is one thing I have omitted thus far about today’s events, and that is about the ‘nature poo’ that Jonny had. On his return from this toilet break, he told Stu where he had gone so that Stu could find the place which had best cover. However Stu returned to say that when he bordered the fence that Jonny had climbed, a Gent was there tending to his garden. Yes, that is right. Jonny defecated in some poor man’s garden. He later went on to say he thought it weird that there were gnomes and porcelain toadstools in a wild rosebush!!!! I hate to think of other things Jonny has done in his lifetime that he never realised.

Wednesday was our day to go out and hit up the harder stuff together, along with Duncan and Simon. Heading to Briancon Gorge for a warm up, we found this:

Briancon Gorge Slide

Apparently the gate being open isn’t that unusual at this level, but not something I have seen before. Not knowing what would be coming up inside the gorge, I would be more willing to play a game of pick the prostitute without Aids to ride bareback. Luckily the decision was to go do the Lower Guisane, and this was quality. The holes/stoppers were nice and big, with Stu taking a unexpected surf, and I took a back loop in another. At the bottom there were smiling faces on everyone. Tomorrow is Initiation for the Cardiff Uni Freshers, and hopefully there will be some stories to tell.

Appologies if this first post seems ruched, but I wanted something early to set the scene for everyone. There will be another shortly to give you an update.

Till then…

Corsica 2013

Between March 28th and April 6th, I went on a kayaking trip to Corsica, the land of meat, knives and Pietra with Stu Sheath, Jonny King, Max Emery and Duncan Sinclair of Pro-Crastinate and Dave Underhill of MadeAlmostEntirleyOutOfSteel. This blog is a recap of some of the memorable moments and anecdotes of the week:

Dave gagging for sausage

An inviting window shop

A balanced shopping basket with everything the body needs

The Journey Down

When I was booking the ferries, I put Dave, Jonny and myself in one van, with Stu, Duncan and Max in the other. Dave took the stint to Dover on the Thursday, making the ferry with no time to spare. Even a Gastrotrich would consider the time we had left ourselves minuscule.

Driving through the night in France wasn't the most pleasant, and when Jonny King took the drivers seat Dave and I were biting our nails with fear (but I will come to Jonny's driving later on). The Friday afternoon was spent in a sunny Toulon having beers and food before catching the ferry to Corsica.

Dave chilling in the sea in Toulon

Myself getting some cold feet

The Corsican Ferry

Much like the French way of driving, which is fairly manic and to any Brit seems dangerous, the way the French and Corsicans loaded the Corsica Ferry was extravagant. The initial cue seemed orderly, but once the first car was told to move it was a free for all; law and order were now out of the equation. Unfortunately the bravest drivers won this apparent race and as I was driving at the time, we weren't moving very quickly; my English reserve meant I hadn't the bottle to just pull forward in front of moving articulated trucks.

Eventually we made it onto the Ferry and went to find seats, waiting till it was acceptable to put out our carry mats and go to sleep. Due to the budget we were working on, we hadn't hired a cabin or recliner seats. However this was common, as everyone was finding a nook or cranny to set up for the 10 hour ferry. On the outward ferry to Corsica I slept under the stars, which was brilliant until about 0300 in the morning when the gales woke me up. With my head in the sleeping bag I didn’t know what was happening and just kept tucked up hoping that I wouldn’t be blown into the sea. Somehow I managed to fall back asleep, only to wake up in the rain about 2 hours later. So inside I popped for the hour left of the journey. I had learnt my moist lesson on the return ferry and stayed inside for the night where we sailed home without issue.

The people we met

As we were staying on the campsite used during the Kayak Session festival, there were many kayakers around. There also happened to be a marquee set up were we spent a couple evenings drinking and chilling out.

Our little area of the campsite

The first evening spent at the campsite we inhabited the marquee, where we proceeded to get rather tipsy. However it was here that we met a couple who had already been out for a week. Over many many beers and a few games of cards we became first name acquaintances  In the drunken stupor we convinced them that boating with us would be the best part of their holiday, and we arranged a play date for the following day.

What we hadn't realised was that Jo was GB slalom and a wicked boater, and Jen worked and paddled for Peak UK and was also bloody awesome. I must have been overselling us the evening before to get them to boat with us. That, or they were fairly desperate to prolong their exposure to my endless charm and good looks; and in reality we are bitching boaters, so overselling our skills is a hard thing to do ;-)

Jo and Jen teaching me how to be awesome. Oh wait, I'm already awesome!

We later met another pair of boaters, both of whom were Irish. This time we made sure to work out their paddling standard before talking them boating with us (or as before them taking us boating). Once again the pair comprised of an International slalom paddler! So as before, we span our linguistic magic and convinced them to boat with us.

Matt - the Irish's Slalom hopeful

Me showing Ronan that the Warrior shouldn't be messed with

The Rivers

With an exceptionally high season in Corsica when we were out, we paddled rivers ranging from grade 3 to 5. We also racked up a fair few km of walking during the holiday too.

The river of note was the Asco, which was our second river and we did with Jo and Jen. Jo's super silky skills got us to the bottom of a tasty river which gave lots of hard sections. One of which was styled by Jo and Dave, only to be messed up by yours truely! Absolutely submerging my boat, I didn’t really know what was going on. When I realised things were going wrong, I closed my eyes, lent back and thought of England (a trick I have picked up from previous girlfriends). I felt the boat hit the bottom of the river, fly back into the sky and land. It was like being back at Chessington World of Adventures, but I didn’t have to cue all bloody day for the ride.

Dave's styled line

Jo's styled line

My interesting non-conformative line 

This run finished with a longer than expected paddle out. In fact we eventually crossed a campsite that we drove past trying to find the take out. Being sure this campsite was nowhere near the take out, this only meant one thing; we were lost. Getting off of the river, Joe managed to hitch a lift back up toward the top in search of the car. With a long time passing we assumed that we had messed up big time, only to see Joe’s athletic body running back down the road. It seemed that we parked on the incorrect river, so Joe and I started to run downstream. Joe had removed his top at this point, so I decided that keeping mine on was best for the safety of any passing ladies, disregarding the potential danger of over-heating, as the sight of two ripped up bodies running in the sun could induce a heart attack in any woman. Only about 2 minutes down the road however, we found the lay-by that the car was parked, apparently another minute on the river would have had us at our take out!

One of the harder rivers we paddled was the Upper Fuim Orbo, which contained boating from grade 3+ right up to grade 5. This was the river I took my swim. After the 'Rocket' rapid there was a little bend round a corner into a drop. Stu had inspected this and told everyone about the bend turning into a mini Boof on a ft or so drop. Going round the corner I hit the wall and tried to push off with my hand, sending myself over in a self-binning motion. Grabbing my paddle for the roll I suddenly felt myself drop about 6ft, and was sure I had been sucked under something. Instantaneously pulling my spraydeck, I popped out of my boat to see an 8ft drop (Apparently the 7-8ft drop I ran upside down looked only 2ft when Stu saw it). I'm not gonna lie, when I realised I was in a pool I was a lot happier, but my larynx hadn't realised this when I called out to Dave in the most high pitched voice my body could produce.

Myself in the bottom pool out of my boat

The lads helped me get my boat and we ran round the next portage. This river also saw Dave, Stu and Duncan swim on a slot section later on, which Max and Jonny walked. Stu's was the worst here as he was in the stopper of a good 30 seconds.

Dave on his tod - not good!

Stu's view before he gets sucked back in the stopper with his boat

With 4 swims and not many hours left of light we made sure we were safe for the rest of the river, portaging a fair amount.

Another corker was the Lower Travo, which was our last day and we did with Ronan and Matt. This was really pleasant grade 3-4 boating, without any need to portage. This provided a sweet end to the holiday and gave everyone a cracking day.

Jonny King

Now for the tales of Jonny King!

Jonny re-started a game he played last time he was in the Alps, where if you see a Renault Twingo you can hit the other person. However the way he started this was by spotting a parked one at the supermarket and hitting me on the arm shouting Twingo. Immediately understanding the game (as I have played it with VW beetles before) I turn and smack him back on the arm saying Twingo. Looking so confused and with puppy dog eyes, he said is his most feminine of voices; 'But I already got you? No Backsies'. To which I replied; 'There's two parked there Jonny, one right next to the other'. This then put Jonny on Twingo watch for the rest of the trip and the rest of us calling 'No Backsies' on everything we did!

As promised I shall now detail the level of driving ability Jonny displayed during the holiday. The most time Jonny was allowed to drive was on the way down and the way back, and one event springs to mind when the Sat-Nav suction cup fell from the windscreen. Jonny looked at it, and started to re-attached it. However this strayed his eyes from the road, and also started the Van straying from its lane. Dave and I both shout and get Jonny back on driving duty as I sort the Sat-Nav situation. Jonny's justification was, 'I can't really do two things at once' - not really breaking news to be honest Jonny. 

Another good quote from Jonny was during motorway driving in France, when Dave and I were both awake. We both noticed how Jonny tends to spend a lot of time with the Van wheels running on the hard shoulder or with the other van wheels running on the lines in the middle of the road. I knew Dave had noticed, because every now and then we would look longingly into each others eyes with fear. Onlookers would have perceived this to be a longing look of affection, but I can assure you it was not. The reason I can assure this is because neither one of us could see the other, as our lives were swiftly flashing before our eyes in the many moments we thought we were going to crash and die.
One way I had of coping with this was to close my eyes; but much like pulling the covers over your eyes won't stop the monster under the bed eating you, closing my eyes wouldn't have stopped the van cascading off of the road killing us all - But by f**k did it help me get through the days!

Later confronting Jonny on the issue, he said he knew that he did it and said he had two driving styles; 'In the UK I either drive really aggressively with the car running in the middle of the road, or not as aggressively and drive with the car virtually off of the road.' Both Dave and I looked at one another again, questioning if this was a 'style' of driving. I proceeded to ask Jonny to drive in-between his 'usual styles' hoping this would mean that the centre of the van stayed in the centre of the lane.

The other main event was on a drive to the upper Travo, which comprised of a long mountain road. Now I'm not good with heights, and with Jonny's constant swerving from one side of the road to the other, my nerves were running fairly high. Nearing the top of the road, there was a monster pot-hole on our left. Praying Jonny wouldn't try to avoid it so much we fall off of the side of the cliff, he carried on at pace toward it. I now think I hope we don't fall down this pot-hole, and with Dave on my outside clearly thinking the same thing (who at this point is leaning so hard into my side I thought he may dislocate my shoulder) we skirt this chasm in the ground with millimetres to spare.

The Conclusion
The week was absolutley quality, and with only 2 nights of rain splitting 8 days of sunshine it couldn't be beaten. One great trip that will be repeated in the near future.

The team (Left to Right) - Jonny, Duncan, Dave, Max, Rob, Stu

A weekend of fun, facts and Parkour

Friday 15^th to Sunday 17^th Feb saw the annual Cardiff Uni Kayakers trip to Devon to try and run some of the English classics. However, the typical British weather failed us, as there was not enough rain beforehand to really give the rivers what they needed.

I drove my new car, who has been christened Matilda, down to Devon with Stu Sheath, Max Emery and Jonny King of Procrastinate. Having the day off on Friday meant we could get away early and grab a pub meal before the Uni lot turned up for another evening of drinking and games, hopefully similar to that detailed in our North Wales adventures. We managed to get away early because of Jonny King's new resolution to be more punctual. It seems to be working at the moment, so lets hope that it stays that way.

Matilda fully loaded

The drive down was traffic free and Matilda did her job well, getting us to the pub to meet Simon and Chris (a couple of the Uni Kayakers currently on placement). Although Matilda got us to our destination, is wasn't as simple as getting from A to B (there was a small amount of C, with a pinch of D thrown in for good measure). The four of us got slightly lost in Dartmoor itself; rumours do tell of pixes, headless horsemen and rabid dogs, but we all live in Cardiff which is descended upon weekly by much scarier creatures - Valleys folk. So none of us were fazed by the apparent danger we may or may not have been in. To be honest, I would much rather be attacked by a headless chump riding a horse than be out on a Saturday night in Walkabout and have a Valleys slag wrap her cellulite ridden legs around me, screeching in some incomprehensible Welsh tongue!

The food in the Pub in Widecombe was cracking and set us all up for a good evening. The six of us got to the bunkhouse and managed to get the fire going and have the place warming up by the time the Uni lot arrived. Then we all settled and had some beers and some laughs. I was back on the Gin and Juice, but didn't hit it as hard as I did in North Wales due to the fact that I needed to be able to drive the next day. There were a couple of drinking games played, and because we had no playing cards, therefore meaning that High Card Something Bad couldn't be enjoyed, we thought of another way of working it in. We played a game that is notorious with Cardiff University Kayakers, called The Grand Old Duke Of York. This is basically where you go round in a circle, and in order each person has to say the next word of the nursery rhyme. However to make things more exciting, if a person got the word wrong they had to do Something Bad. I can't relay details, as that is against the spirit of the game, but there were copious Bad Things done including a shot of alcohol from someones hairy belly-button (This was in no way one of the worst things, but it was a certain current President of the club that had to do the shot!!!).

Waking up Saturday morning I was feeling slightly hung over, but this was slept off before the club had the chance to get ready. A quick jump out of bed, a shower and into clothes, I was in Matilda ready to drive to the get on for the Dart Loop. Although the morning was cold, we kitted up and people were looking ready to take on the river. Because the Uni lot faff so much, it was easy for Jonny King to merge into the background and seem as though he was running at a good pace;

Jonny King; don't let his devilishly good looks fool you, he is truly clueless

The plethora of boats at the get on

The loop was fun, and our group managed it with style and grace. The afternoon run was the Upper Dart, but with very little water :-( It took about an hour to an hour and a half from getting off of the loop to starting the Upper section. Seeing as there were around 20 to 25 people, that is at least a whole day's worth of man hours wasted! Think of the achievements that could have been accomplished in that time. Jonny may have even been able to finish the latest novel he's been engrossed in within that time frame!!

The middle section of the run was a good laugh, but once again I messed up Surprise, Surprise (although my line apparently looked OK). The group behind us took a while to get down, and therefore Max, Stu, Jonny and I went to meet the people who didn't boat the Upper, at the River Dart Country Park, where they apparently had a wicked afternoon of Pirate Ships, Zip Wires and Climbing Frames.

With a little bit of fear that the group still on the river may not have finished before it was dark, we went back to check the score, only to find them pass us in the minibus half way there. So we headed back to the bunkhouse to prepare for the evening. This composed of a shower and a snooze. Unfortunately I seem to have arrived at a stage that a simple snooze didn't recharge the batteries, yet allowed them to drain completely. This meant that the dinner call was completely unwelcome, but I hauled myself out of bed, and after food was consumed it proved the right thing to do.

Saturday evening was when Lucie Parkinson, a soon to be doctor, stated as fact that any alcohol above 20% concentration is not absorbed by the body. She apparently was told that the body would absorb 20% alcohol and no more would enter the body (I'm finding her logic hard to re-explain due to its absurdity, but I will continue). This is clearly not what she was told, but what she thought she heard. I have found a link that gives the fact a lot more clearly and well explained. Essentially above 20-25% there is a potential delay of the alcohol to the Small Intestine, meaning that there is a clear delay of it being in the area of highest absorption rate. Lucie seemed to make the assumption that this meant any other alcohol was not absorbed. Dave Underhill put it to her that a person who drank a pint of 40% would therefore be at the same blood alcohol at the end of the night as a person who consumed a pint of 20%, which Lucie said would be the case, as the extra 20% that the first hypothetical person drank would not be absorbed... No Lucie, the theory states that it wouldn't absorb in the same amount of time, not that it isn't fully (or at least close to fully) absorbed. This is a scary world when Doctors think along these lines! This is enough of a rant on this subject, but I thought that it required a mention. 

The end of Saturday night saw some loud drinking games and at least three completed rounds of Grand Old Duke Of York. Clearly the small contingent of people left on the Saturday night/Sunday morning were nurtured as kids, and were taught the words of many a nursery rhyme.

On Sunday we went for a walk in Dartmoor, which was rad. About two and a half hours of easy walking, nice scenery and climbing tors was a pleasant way to spend a day that couldn't provide any kayaking.  The wind was absolutely ragging it, making standing on top of the Tors a more nerving experience. Myself, Blake May and Huw Beckett (two new lads to Cardiff Uni Kayakers) Parkour'd our way around the Tor's of the moors, with numerous flips, rolls and 360 spins (although the photo's don't do it justice, there were some dope-whack moves pulled out):

On top of a Tor

Huw, poo-kour'ing in a hide away.

Blake mid parkour move

Blake and Huw having back-flipped onto the top of a Tor

Seeing the scale of it makes the move more impressive!

Some pleasant Devonshire scenery

Getting back to Cardiff at around 1700 on Sunday evening led to a crash of energy and a bedtime of 2100. Sad I know, but much needed.

Cheeky Time Lapse of the start of Friday night

Till next time...

Middle Tawe - Sunday 27th January

You may have guessed, with the rain we've been having and the snow melt that comes with it, there was a fair amount of water in South Wales this weekend. I'm sure this sort of weather pattern would be seeing England warning of floods as well as homeowners frantically buying sandbags, but in Wales the norm has been restored. This is something that I have been waiting for, Christmas is now a distant memory as is the snow that followed. I have to say that I am not a Grinch; firstly because the Grinch eventually sells out and for some reason starts liking Christmas - When I've made my mind up about something, I stubbornly stick to my guns regardless of whether I am right or wrong; and secondly because I do not hate Christmas. I only dislike it as well as the snow and crappy Christmas cheer that seems to come along with it. Luckily the Christmas credit card bills and failing New Year resolutions brings the nation back down to earth :-)

With this, Jonny King and Stu Sheath, from Procrastinate, along with Lucie Parkinson and myself went for a paddle on the Tawe this Sunday just been. The four of us headed to the River, Jonny and I taking a minor detour as we were following a random car with boats on, and not Stu and Lucie, but we all ended up in the right place. The river was reading a 7.5 on the little gauge at the get on, and was looking high. The three of us decided that Lucie would be able to cope, mostly because she was going to be led by two manly men, and also Jonny! but also because we were just excited about getting on and didn't want to wait. With it being colder than the hairs on a polar bear's bum, we got into our gear quicker than a Prostitute having been paid and got the shuttle over in double time.

The start of the run was real quick down to the slides, and there were some sweet wave trains. Lucie was coping fine, which clearly displayed the talents of whoever was leading.

Now if you’re an avid STC reader, you may know that I always seem to have something derogatory to say about Jonny King. It's not that I try to be harsh, but he is as clueless as Shaggy and Scooby before the Advert break, and happens to be one of those chaps who is hard to paint in a good light.

Uncanny resemblance here!

Yet this Sunday he was fairly on the ball, turning up on time-ish at Team House (Stu’s abode), as well as being switched on when we were on the river. However this slightly changed when we got to the fall on the Tawe (Pen y Cae), which Stu and I styled in a joint boof seeing us land at the same time. We were just like Tom Daley and Peter Waterfield, landing in the pool with perfect synchronicity, only we have better abs and Stu looks a lot younger than Tom as well as me being a lot paler than Peter.

The lads trying to emulate our moves; however Peter, it looks like your hands are half a foot lower than they should be!

Stu and I showing the way to run a drop

Jonny's first run

Lucie's run

I freeze framed these images whilst they were on the lip to avoid showing how neither of them managed the drop well ;-), and I definitely haven't shown an image of me running for the third time as this was a disaster

So as Jonny was walking up to have another run, Stu had a cracking idea of getting all three of us to drop off at the same time. What we hadn’t factored in was Jonny’s inability to control his boat during the very short free fall. Adding him to the mix was unfortunately similar to smothering BBQ Sauce over an exquisite filet mignon with peppercorn sauce, which is what I imagine a fat American would do. Much like the tenderness of the beef fillet being enhanced by the fiery peppercorn creaminess, Stu and I made glorious kayaking art together. However when Jonny was placed in-between the two of us, he managed to turn sideways whilst running the drop, landing his stern on top of me and cutting my ear, and landing his bow underneath Stu, completely destroying the former magic the two of us had previously made.

The three of us lining up. It looks so promising

Lucie took a knock to the head further down the run, ending up in a swim. I scrambled out of my boat in the nick of time, got my throwbag ready and threw the line just as she was swimming past. The unfortunate reality of the situation was that the line ended about 3 meters upstream of her, and therefore was no use at all. Stu and Jonny managed to sort the situation out and we got to the bottom feeling happy about a good run.

Driving back to the top, we met up with the Cardiff Uni Kayakers, who were preparing to jump on. Jonny, Stu and I were already set for another run, and said that we would get on with them. Unfortunately this is when the faffing began. We thought Jonny was able to faff like no other, but apparently as he was on time today, the world's 'faff books' needed to be balanced, and it was Cardiff Uni to the rescue. It took about an hour for the Uni lot to get themselves in a fit state to jump on. If it ever came to a nuclear evacuation, these lot would be left behind due to their shear inability to move above a snail’s pace. They would probably be able to get far enough away to avoid being melted by the blast, and just receive a good old radiation dose. (However it did work for Spiderman, and although I’m not recommending it, you can clearly see the benefits in The Amazing Spider-Man movie).

The gauge was showing around a 6 by the time we got back, and this was fairly obvious from the character of the river. The run was still good fun, and the main rapids were fairly well styled by the uni. Chris Corkill nearly re-arranged his face on one of the slides, but managed to just get his arm in the way first and Helena Goode did an amazing 360 spin whilst descending the same slide. It would have been great to say it was on purpose, but alas, I fear it was accidental. It was a cracking day, and good to see the rust off that had settled over the festive period.

The evening ended with the traditional curry in the Balti Cuisine on Woodville Road, where I had a cracking meal, albeit one not in line with a tradition athlete's diet. Jonny and Stu tried to show their manliness by going for a hot curry (the names of which escape me), but this manly facade soon crumbled when Jonny started crying and sweating like a fat child being made to run!

Once again, thanks for reading.
Till next time...

A year from Pro-Crastinate

Happy New Year to all the Stuff The Consequences readers, visitors and friends. We hope you had a brilliant Christmas and New Year.

2012 has seen a wicked year from Stuff The Consequences and also the boys from Pro-Crastinate. Fran Smith, Pro-Crastinate's founder, has created a review of the year, showing some of the highlights from 2012. This is a cool little edit, and shows some sweet boating from STC's closest friends. Let's hope that 2013 brings some cracking water, with an Easter and a Summer trip between Pro-Crastinate and Stuff The Consequences in the planning stages.

For more videos from the Pro-Crastinate crew you can check out their Vimeo page by clicking on the image on the right;

Otherwise you can go onto their website and check out everything they get up to.

2012 A Year In Plastic from Procrastinate Productions on Vimeo.

Taf Fechan - the night before & the journey home

Friday 14th saw the end of term for Cardiff Uni, and the usual ' Drink The Bar Dry' which I attended with some of the Cardiff Uni Kayakers. A few pre-drinks at Jonny King's saw some laughs, then a sweet night spent in the Student Union. My memory does not serve me overly well, so tales of the evening will have to go un-regaled.

Rowan rocking it RSB style

This night on the 'razz' saw in Saturday feeling absolutely shattered. Unfortunately I am not built for late nights; apparently my body likes it's 8 hours sleep to start on the night prior to my wake up, as opposed to the early hours of the day that I am meant to be getting out of bed. Therefore at 08:00, when my body feels though it should normally be getting out of bed, my head was spinning.

Everyone in a merged orgy

Luckily my brain kicked in, knowing that I had nothing planned for the day, I headed back to the land of nod. 11:30 came, and from the warmth of the bed, I saw there was water in South Wales. Getting hold of Procrastinate's Max Emery and Stu Sheath, both of whom were also hung over, the Taf Fechan was the river of choice.


Stu's girlfriend had his straps and roofracks, so all 4 boats went on Joanna (my Saxo). This made her heavy and sluggish, increasing my view that overweight women are just no help! The slightest incline saw her power drop, and our speed decrease! This was thoroughly annoying, yet we got to the river, and there was water in it!

Stu getting ready at the Taf Fechan get on

Stu and I went to run the shuttle with Max map reading. This meant that we were leaving Jonny at the top with the boats. Now you may think that this is a bad idea, and reading the NSPCC website, namely "what the law says", it does show that children shouldn't be left alone (I assume this also means adults who have the intellectual capacity of a child as well!). Luckily Jonny met someone to whom he was intellectually superior:

Jonny's latest friend

Apparently her name was Abigail, and Jonny and her shared an apple together.
Actually, now I am thinking about it, if it was the same Jonny we saw at Drink The Bar Dry on Friday, he was probably flirting with her!
Hhmmm... Now I'm glad that no-one else turned up.





With the Shuttle over, we were getting onto the river at around 15:00, so I was hoping for a relatively fast run, as we estimated about an hour and a half of useful light left. This increased my nerves a bit, but when on the river it didn't seem to matter any more. The run was a beaut. and although there were trees in some of the sections, which was a real shame, the run was great fun.

A cheeky Go-Pro screen shot from the river

It was a real treat to be boating again, even if motivation was low during the drive up. The best part of it was that this was a first run for us all, which made it tremendously fun. We finished the river at around 16:20, so perfect timing really, as it was just getting dark. And by the time we picked up Stu's car it was dark.

Screen Shot of the get off - Showing just how dark it was

Now, I have always been sceptical about the roof-racks on Joanna, and today confirmed my suspicions. Jonny and I were in the Saxo, and on the A470 when it happened. The rear bar of my racks came off. All I heard was a noise from above, and then in the rear view mirror I see Stu's boat flying! I pull over immediately and Jonny and I get the boats off the road, running onto the A470 like mad-men. Luckily the cars behind stopped in time and didn't get hit by the boats. Max came running up to help, and him and Stu were close behind, and we cleared the road.

A Copper pulled up about a minute after, with the small amount of traffic behind us now cleared and made sure everything was OK, seeming very casual about the while thing.
Copper, "Everything alright boys?"
Me, "Yer, the roof-rack has broken."
Copper,"Oh, OK. Wanna make sure everything is off of the road now I'm here?"
Me, "Yer alright, sounds like a plan"

As he reversed up the road, I had a quick sweep over, but the lads had done a good job getting the debris off of the carriageway.

The Officer then asked us to pull our cars off the road a bit more, and then to all our surprise he just drive off, clearly he thought we had it under our control. Both Stu and I put on our high visibility jackets to look the part (a very important part of roadside safety), and Max got on the case of getting someone to help get the boats back, as my roof-rack didn't fair well in it's tumbling to earth.

This is the part of the story where the Hero's of the day are named. Max managed to get Helena Goode and Zoe Pelech to come and pick up the boats. A conversation that started, "Hi Helena, can you do me a MASSIVE favour..."

So Helena and Zoe drove to find us on the A470, and took the four boats back to Cardiff. Dunno what we would have done without them, and a massive thanks has to go out to them both, coming to find us and give us a hand on a Saturday night.

Assessing the damage to the boats showed that they were in good nick still, and the roof of Joanna also seems fine. The only thing that broke was feet of the roof-rack, and all in all a good outcome from what could have been a catastrophic f**k-up.

Hope that was an interesting read, and a Merry Christmas to Everyone.

Till next year...